Want To Win The Lottery? You’ve Got To Be In It To Bin It

On any Saturday night, the sound of crumpled paper on wicker echoes across the nation as unsuccessful lottery tickets get screwed-up and thrown away.

Well, I’ve had enough of all this messing around, and I plan to win the lottery.

Win the lottery feature image

We all know we will win the jackpot one day, it’s just a case of waiting for your balls to drop. If you use the same numbers each week it’s guaranteed that your combination will eventually happen. Even the woman who was born on the first, had a kid on the 2nd, lives at number 3, married her 4th husband on the 5th and whose lucky number is 6, will eventually win when 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 comes up. It may be the last combination to be drawn and take nearly 135,000 years to get there, but it is inevitable.

However, there is one aspect of the game that messes things up.

Tickets Please.

It isn’t filling in the entry slip. That is quite simple and has been designed to appeal to every type of individual. Gadget users can buy a ticket on their phone, hardened gamblers get given a slip of paper and organised people can set up a direct debit. Even Argos shoppers are catered for and get to use a tiny pen. Scribbling six little dashes on a piece of paper isn’t actually that difficult, but even if that is too complicated, or you just can’t be arsed to put any effort into winning a fortune, the machine can give you a Lucky (or not so lucky) Dip.

After some intensive research I have worked out why my turn to get handed the giant cheque has taken so long.

Press To Start.

It’s all down to the half-arsed celebrity pressing the button to ‘start the draw’. They clearly don’t want to do it. Their facial expression suggests that they are inwardly cussing their agent for getting them the Lottery gig in the first place. They would much rather be out partying on a Saturday night than standing in a studio, just to push a poxy button. To make matters worse, it’s a big fake button, and regardless of how they approach the job, it has no more effect on starting machine Guinevere and set of balls number nine than their tv remote. But, they want to promote their new album, so what can they do? That’s showbiz’.

It could be you… and you… and you…

So, they go about their duty, and this is where they bugger everything up. As their hand hovers over the button, they utter those damning words, “Good luck everyone.” But, good luck for everyone means we all get the same luck, and that surely defeats the object of luck. You’d be pretty pissed off if you won the jackpot and had to split it between twenty million other ‘lucky’ people.

That’s Not My Name.

Fortunately, I have come up with a way to overcome the problem.
Just as ‘Sting’, ‘Bono’ and ‘Little blonde twat from One D’ aren’t their real names, I have also opted for a stage name. From now on, on a Saturday night, I will be known as ‘Everyone‘.

No more crumpled tickets in the paper basket for me.


Lottery photo

Photo by Montage Communications