All about shoes.

Picture if you can, a giraffe on stilts descending a spiral staircase while blindfolded. Hold on to that awkward image and we will get back to it shortly.

Puss in boots.

Beginner's guide to shoes
Everyone knows that the internet was designed specifically for cats, which is why it is dominated by pictures of cats in hats, animated GIFs of cats falling off window ledges and articles about how cats will get you the man of your dreams. Essentially, cats are the greatest thing in life.

Second on the list of things most likely to make you look good are shoes. You only need to spend a few minutes perusing Pinterest to see that shoes are the bedrock of all society. You could be researching architecture, brain surgery or the best asparagus recipes, but despite what you are looking for, you will also find shoes. Page after page dedicated to shoes.

Putting your foot in it.

And yet, despite this fascination with footwear, it seems the one thing that has been overlooked is how they work.

Footwear companies and fashion houses spend millions of dollars on research, development and advertising to offer women the most desirable shoes they can buy, and yet ergonomics, comfort and practicality all fail to feature in the process.  Apparently, the consumer desires nothing more than something ridiculously expensive and unbearably uncomfortable. Give a girl a shoe made of barbed wire, with a price tag equivalent to her car and with a designer label that makes her mates dribble and she will happily squeeze into them. Squeeze being the operative word. You might wonder why there are so many different types of foot file on the market. Well, except for the fact that women’s shoes cause the skin of their heels to become harder than a docker’s safety boot, part of the filing process is to allow them to get into shoes that are too small. Why shoes come in different sizes is a mystery, because a girl would rather remove a toe than miss the opportunity to own a pair of shoes that make her friends sick with jealousy just because they are two sizes too small.

Shoes are merely something to show off before spending the entire evening in bare feet while carrying them around like some weird handbag. Alternatively, their real handbag will contain a pair of flip-flops to be whipped out when the expensive shoes have reached the unworkable stage, which is usually about ten minutes into the evening.

Murder in high heels.

The other thing about incredibly sexy, stylish, to-die-for shoes is the fact that as soon as you move, they can make you ungainly to say the least. On the website, they may look great. In the box, they might look amazing. On the model in the photo, they could be stunning. But, these are all static situations. As soon as you put them on and try to walk, you will move like your gran on ice skates.


Which brings me back to the giraffe. I was stopped at traffic lights in the centre of Bristol to allow a group of young women to cross the road. Most of them accomplished the task successfully, but I wasn’t sure that the girl at the back would get across the road without breaking her ankle, her neck, or both. This was because her gait could only be described as that of a giraffe on stilts descending a spiral staircase while blindfolded. Her shoes were so high, the only practical application they could possibly have was as part of Paul Stanley’s costume for a Kiss concert.


But, if Paul Stanley wore them he would be running, strutting and doing star jumps for two hours, while playing guitar, singing and entertaining the crowd. And he is in his sixties.

So, what is the lesson we learn from this, ladies?

If you want to look good in your designer shoes, take a lesson from an old man first.

paul stanley photo

Photo by Sezzles