IT’S A BABY!
We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You Important Royal Baby News!
Someone whom you will never meet has done something so ordinary that thousands of people do it every day.
After nine months of preparation and several hours of intense pushing, one of our sixteen reporters standing on a street outside a hospital managed to get to the front of the crowd. He said that during the early hours, there had been a huge cheer, lots flag waving and talk of a delivery, but it turned out to be the arrival of a pizza for one of the international camera crews.
When a Child is Born.
Several hours later, an obstetrician came out of the maternity ward and announced that a baby had been delivered in the hospital.
Our Chief Fawning Correspondent said that he has not yet seen the baby, but can categorically state that it is beautiful, lovely and a gift from the Gods to their Royal Highnesses.
Reports from the Department of Sycophancy claim that the wonderful Duke and Duchess are marvellous and must be the only people in the land who could have conceived, carried and delivered such a miraculous bundle of joy.
The day was only marred when a couple of interlopers left the hospital by the front door. Having done exactly the same as the Duke and Duchess, they proudly carried their new baby with them, but were not well received. Initially cheered by the crowd of well wishers, it was soon realised that these were just ordinary people and the paparazzi encouraged them to move on by saying “Who cares, get out of the fucking way!”
Back to the Palace.
After a brief spell of recovery, the Duke and Duchess left the hospital with the new princess and our incredibly expensive helicopter camera crew tracked the journey from the hospital to the royal home while streaming live pictures of a Range Rover roof.
It is believed the couple are now hoping for privacy while they establish some sort of routine for the new baby. To keep you updated, our Snivelling Team will be loitering outside the house, and with the aid of high powered cameras directed at the bedroom windows, we will report live if any privacy occurs.
In the mean time, we will be speaking with the editor of the lifestyle magazine ‘Sticking Your Nose In,’ who will explain in great detail what the couple are doing and exactly what is going on behind closed doors. Despite never having visited the home or met the couple, she will confidently describe the household routine in precise detail and with great authority.
Royal Baby Name.
As for names, we are obviously full of our own importance and can say with certainty that the baby will be called Elizabeth, Mildred, Tiffany or something else. Amid the speculation and guesswork, the bookmakers are hoping that the Father’s Uncle Andrew is helping with the choice of names because they stand to make a fortune if we have a Princess Hygena, Princess Boneville or Princess Latifah.
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Some late news now, and the couple’s press office has just released some figures. We are told that the baby was 8lb 3oz, a figure only of interest to women who will either say ‘ooh that’s small’ or ‘ooh that must have hurt’.
Before we go, we just have time to take a look at the papers. All of them claim to have seen a tiny pink nose poking out from a blanket, and that the baby princess is beautiful and exceedingly special.
It will be interesting to see whether the birth of my second grandchild in September receives the same attention or if this is purely about selling news.